Plagiarized Musings for a 10 Minute Discussion

So I know that God is good and all… I know he is, right? He is good to all of those people who are good to him—or so they want you to think! I am a Christian, have been for some time now. But I have a confession to make: I have a hard time buying it sometimes. And recently I almost “fell.” Let me explain…

But before I begin, you need to know something about me: I have a problem with lust. I really do. I mean, I live on a college campus. What do you expect?! And it has been a real spiritual battle for me.

And so the other day I met my old high school friend Russell at a coffee shop in downtown Nashville to just catch up on each other’s lives. I rambled a little about school and work, as I normally do. But he began to tell me all about his most recent relationships—some of which were sexual in nature.

And immediately I began to feel foolish. That is the word. Foolish.

I felt foolish because I hadn’t had any experiences like that to share with him. I felt almost weak compared to him—even though I am doing what I am “supposed” to be doing.

But mostly, you want to know what I felt? Jealous. I was jealous. After all, we are both the same age. But here I am working at a church and going to seminary—spending my days and nights in a library, and he is out on Broadway every weekend.

And it isn’t just him. There are so many of our mutual friends (both male and female) at Belmont that are doing the same things. And they just seem to have it made. They date around with lots of people, and none of them worry about these “rules” of sexual purity this religion puts on me. They seem happier and more at ease with their positions in life as a result.

And they just don’t get it when I tell them that I am not sleeping with my girlfriend for religious reasons. Like the other day when I was at Russell’s house talking to his roomate Brian. He asked, in passing, how often we had sex. And I told him that we were waiting. He laughed at me—and then he called me a monk!

Again…foolish. It was funny and joking, but hurtful.

So, I guess the main purpose of this blog is to ask the question: Is this even worth it? Have I been basically wasting my time? I think I may have. Is this really doing anything good for me? And what makes it harder is that I know Russell and Brian have it easier than I do.

But saying that is a little strange to me. It is, isn’t it? It goes against all I have become—with respect to relationship with God and Christianity. I know this is a little internal dialogue “vomitted” out on the internet—but bear with me!

This was huge: I went to worship last night. I just sat down, discouraged about the conversation with Russell. The teacher got up and gave a lesson on the blessing of relationship with God. It was so incredibly thought-provoking. It got me thinking about the reality of Russell and Brian’s lives.

And truthfully, I am not so sure they have it all that great. Neither one of them have a church home. Their only friends are the guys they party with. There have a few people they hang out with at work, but it is nothing really deep. And I think they miss that. In fact, I know they do.

So I have to keep telling myself that. I have to constantly remind myself of the reality that they might not have everything I think I want. Is that fair? I am sure that I have some things in my life that they wish they had—like a deep spiritual life full of prayer and meditation.

God is my strength. I have messed up in this struggle of mine…I am not going to lie. But he lifts me up. I know he does. And that makes it all worth it.

So, I guess God really is good. Right? He is here with me. In this very moment he is helping me with this struggle of mine. And I trust that enough to where it makes a difference in the way I feel about faith most of the time—even when I almost “fall.”

Is this making sense? Questions, comments, statements, declarations?